A New Start
Ever since the separation and the divorce becoming lawfully final, I’ve been conflicted on what I have been wanting to do with myself. On the one hand, I hope that I can still contact her and potentially make up for what I did and try once more, giving myself that last chance to help give me resolution and to be at peace with what happened. But with the order being active that is a slim to none proposition.
The other is to move on and try elsewhere in life. It’s a daunting task, and talking with the therapist I had before I moved out I pretty much said that, it would take something pretty severe for me to consider looking the other way and moving on. But with how my mindset is consistently thinking about her and wondering what is happening, it’s not doing me any good. Considering the what-if’s and possibilities is just killing me inside and keeping me in place. I know waiting is my choice and no one elses, but my heart is the one suggesting I do that and when you love someone as you did for so long, it’s a worthy cause. But I think it’s also the most painful. As much as I don’t want to let go and have to move on in many ways, it’s necessary to.
I do hope that after some time passes we can reconnect and see how our lives are and how they have changed. Who we’ve seen and how our relationships have gone. What things we’ve experienced since we’ve only been with each other for so long. What future plans we have if we’ve made any yet. Just catching up like old friends. I’ll always think of her as my best friend, we know each other like the backs of our hands, and that bond will never be severed.
I did make the decision to move on sometime last week, it wasn’t easy and I’m still thinking about her a lot, but it’ll be something that will go down in time. If I’m ever to find another person to love as much as I did her I’ll have to remember her as a fond memory and hope that the person I meet I can share love like that just as strongly.
I’ll leave a quote I find that suits us well:
My heart and your heart are very, very old friends.
Reminiscing
Reminiscing is a two way street.
On the one hand, fond memories you had bring you joy and happiness and you treasure those forever. They’re the memories you have close to you and they are easily brought back when you want to think about them.
On the other hand, they can also be a source of pain. When those memories are attached to something that is now not true or your current existence, it doesn’t feel right. Like they are happy, but at the same time they drag you down the other end of the spectrum. It’s like a lure to pull you to the dark depths.
That’s what I have been feeling lately. I’ve been reminiscing about my past, how I was the best thing ever, couldn’t get better than what I was, the sole reason of their desire and passion, and I’m not even remotely that anymore. It honestly has almost brought me to tears a couple times considering that, because I can’t believe I had honestly gone that route and it’s not who I am at all. Everything that has happened since March of this year has made me take a deep look at myself to find out what inside of me caused my grief and misery. Like I’ve always said, I don’t deny what I did and I regret each decision I made, but I’m not going to leave it at that and have it be what I am, I refuse to accept that.
Reminiscing can cause pain, but it also made me proud to know I was the person someone treasured and valued above all else, and I know I can be that person once again. Time has changed me, educated me, and given me insight on many things, but that doesn’t mean I have to be what it makes me into. I can still be who I was, who I was desired. And I will find a way to return to that, nothing will hold me back from doing so.
Feelings Post – The Usual
Something I experienced soon after I moved back home is realizing that the person you’re usually expecting to be there and isn’t really affects you more than you think. Usually when I’m getting off of work I get some texts asking when I’m leaving, why I’m staying so long (I get caught up with my coworkers sometimes lol), and then it’s usually talk on what we’re eating or doing later. When I get home I’m greeted by my pets at first, and then she comes out a bit after to see me or I find her.
When I had gone to work sometime after I moved out and returned back to my parent’s house, my dog greeted me as usual excited to see me. But when I realized that she’s the only one here and my significant other isn’t, it started to hurt more. The realization that my dog would be the only one and not what I usually expect was something that was saddening.
You don’t realize what you take for granted when small things like this that happen on a daily basis that you no longer experience will affect you in such a way. I really do miss it truly, knowing I’m expected to be home, seeing everyone interested that I’ve arrived, and then getting comfortable when all the excitement dies down and winding the rest of the day down.
It doesn’t feel the same here, which does hurt. I won’t let it get me down, but it’s just one of those realizations you think about when your world changes.
Darkness
My world is dark. I’m starting to repeat what I do every day. There’s no change. Nothing to look forward to. What reason is there to do what I do.
It’s only been almost two weeks since the order began. I got the official one yesterday. Tried to call the number to sign up for this batterer’s class, no answer. I don’t know how they decide if I violate it or not but I can’t help if they don’t call me back nor how long it took for this to be sent to me. At this rate it’s better if I just stay home and go nowhere, not like there’s reason to go places anyways.
This won’t change for a long time, I’m pretty certain.
Feelings Post – Loss of Touch
I’ve started to write because I feel that I need to get it out in some form or fashion, but to write and no one sees makes no sense to me, I feel that I’m writing to the beyond in that case, so I figure writing here would give me some form of way to have it noticed, received, considered. I’m trying not to spam it up but I’m getting bouts of feelings that come up suddenly. So if I do they’ll be categorized as such.
One thing that hit me today was realizing how much I missed touch. I always loved contact in our relationship. I’ve always been a touchy feely kind of guy and I love to share affection with a person if they accept it. She took awhile to adjust but she begun to enjoy me giving her lots of affection (so much that if I laid myself lightly on her she would fall asleep because I made her that comfortable). I miss holding her, caressing her skin, poking those cheekies (and then the dog’s and saying how they’re both so soft), stroking her hair, really just anything. I think that’s one of the biggest losses I’ve felt thus far. Chula is a good snuggle buddy, but as much as I love her she doesn’t compare to your partner. Not to mention she’d wedge herself between us so I’d get her anyways XD. It’s definitely something I’ll miss.
A S.Harper Mind 