A New Start

Ever since the separation and the divorce becoming lawfully final, I’ve been conflicted on what I have been wanting to do with myself. On the one hand, I hope that I can still contact her and potentially make up for what I did and try once more, giving myself that last chance to help give me resolution and to be at peace with what happened. But with the order being active that is a slim to none proposition.

The other is to move on and try elsewhere in life. It’s a daunting task, and talking with the therapist I had before I moved out I pretty much said that, it would take something pretty severe for me to consider looking the other way and moving on. But with how my mindset is consistently thinking about her and wondering what is happening, it’s not doing me any good. Considering the what-if’s and possibilities is just killing me inside and keeping me in place. I know waiting is my choice and no one elses, but my heart is the one suggesting I do that and when you love someone as you did for so long, it’s a worthy cause. But I think it’s also the most painful. As much as I don’t want to let go and have to move on in many ways, it’s necessary to.

I do hope that after some time passes we can reconnect and see how our lives are and how they have changed. Who we’ve seen and how our relationships have gone. What things we’ve experienced since we’ve only been with each other for so long. What future plans we have if we’ve made any yet. Just catching up like old friends. I’ll always think of her as my best friend, we know each other like the backs of our hands, and that bond will never be severed.

I did make the decision to move on sometime last week, it wasn’t easy and I’m still thinking about her a lot, but it’ll be something that will go down in time. If I’m ever to find another person to love as much as I did her I’ll have to remember her as a fond memory and hope that the person I meet I can share love like that just as strongly.

I’ll leave a quote I find that suits us well:

My heart and your heart are very, very old friends.