Real Life, And The Dark Side
Hello all. I know I haven’t posted much here and partly it’s because I’ve been bouncing back and forth between reviewing and doing other things (I’ve started to kinda do #MobileMonday for smartphone games occasionally), so it’s been really confusing. But recently I’ve been thru something fairly traumatic.
After 14 years of being together, I’m no longer with my partner.
The departure was quick. The final words false, and the pleads on deaf ears. As much as I attempted to want to talk to prevent further steps from going, I was insulted, cut down, and otherwise rebuffed. Not to mention the pursuit by them of another, even before I had left the home. At first I was just angry and pissed off that it was happening and they had no consideration.
But now? It’s just crushing depression.
I think of what could happen (since a lot has happened after), and all roads just lead to dark corridors. I have our dog, which she is adorable and sweet, but it’s just not the same. When I returned home (I’m currently with my parents) she came to greet me, but it hit me that they wouldn’t be there, just her. I was used to having them call me to ask where I was, to come clambering out of the room to greet me, talk about dinner, and what was going on. But no, it was just my dog.
When I thought about that tonight in my basement I about broke down in tears. It just hurts. I’m conflicted. I feel empty. I still distract myself with various things but I can tell it’s not holding. The future is extremely unknown. I wish for amiciability, but it’s not likely to happen. Originally a separation was suggested to work on each other and come back to see how it worked, but that was out early on. I’m feeling like there’s nothing to possibly see out of it. And at the same time, I can’t stop thinking about the possibility it could happen. And it just makes me sad, since it’ll probably not.
I never really considered how depression felt before, but I’m really starting to believe this is it, and it’s just god awful. I just want it to end.
I apologize I’m ranting when I normally talk about games and enjoy them, it’s just been pent up and unfortunately churning in my mind all week. It’s making me anxious and everything else in between.
Hopefully it’ll get better, but until then it will be awful.
A S.Harper Mind 